Rotating Cadavers

corpse #3

2009-01-11T03:26:00.000-06:00

Peter Thomas Everett Schweissenheimer was found dead in his home early Tuesday morning. By all accounts a recluse, Mr. Schweissenheimer did frequent two local establishments: the Pie Plate diner on 3rd, and Burt’s Hardware, where he reportedly bought a hammer a week. He found full use of the hammers – most of the walls and furnishings in his home were full of half-driven nails, authorities said. Deputy Roy Smith said even metal appliances, like the refrigerator and dishwasher, had received hammerings.

Mr. Schweissenheimer was retired when he moved into town, and little is known about his past. He is generally believed to have been employed by the federal government, and apparently had an ample pension. Speculation about the specifics of his career for the government is rampant.

The staff at the Pie Plate diner said he was brusque, rude, sarcastic, and picky, but also a very generous tipper.

He is survived by his cat Fido, his dog Snookums, his estranged niece Constance, his imaginary friend Darrell, his estranged father Ralph, his third cousin Thor, his first nephew Simon, and his nurse/estranged wife Amelia.

The cancer first ate his kidneys. Then it ate his bladder. Then the cancer ate his lungs. It was very painful, and he died in pain--excruciating pain.
In lieu of someone more important or noble, we have lost no one of note. He will not be terribly missed, and we are neither better nor worse off for having lost him.
Services will be held mostly as a formality. They will be on a Saturday, when most people have the day off. I am sure people want to spend their day off in a suit and tie gawking at a dead person.
He is survived by his mother, Mary-Beth, who still begrudged his painful birth; his two twin brothers, Francis and Joseph, both of whom are more successful and will be terribly missed if they pass; and even a great aunt, Sue, of Denison, who had the insight not to catch cancer.
He has gone to be with his maker. But, seriously, maybe shit just happens, you know? Maybe life doesn’t have a point, and people die, and that’s that? I mean, he’s probably in Heaven, or purgatory at least. But I have my doubts. I don’t mean to drag you guys down—I’m just in a weird place emotionally right now. I’ll get over it. Text me. We can grab some drinks or something. Whatever.

--Scott Hampton, Staff Writer/Intern

corpse #3: requirements

2008-12-09T14:52:00.003-06:00

For the third corpse, I want to be somewhat literal and create an actual deceased. We will each write a piece of an obituary for an imaginary person, no more than 250 words per entry. The one caveat is that each person must use a specified phrase provided by the previous entry.

Chris will go first, and his phrase is “He found full use of the hammer.” Chris can then e-mail a phrase to Ken, Ken to Nathan, and then Nathan to me. The phrase selected doesn’t need to appear in the previous persons’ text—it can be a random line pulled out of thin air. Send them to me, and I will piece them together into one obituary. I won’t read the entries before writing my own, as per the rules of the game.

And next round goes to Nathan. Since apparently Ken sucks. What with his professional writing job and all.

corpse #2

2008-12-08T09:02:00.003-06:00

Despite the twilight filtering through the shades, the office was dark and dingy. The detective and the dame's cigarette smoke came together and caressed each other like shadowy hands fumbling for affection. ["So," said the dame, "Will you find the man who killed my husband for me?" She crossed her soft white legs in an attempt to get his attention; it worked. The detective sighed heavily, and leaned back into his chair. This dame was beautiful... but she could never know just how deep this murder goes. If he looked for the murderer, he need not go farther than a mirror. He closed his eyes. The dazzling dame must die. He felt for the .38 in his holster. "Listen lady... I need you to close your eyes for just a second."]

It was the twilight of my ennui; the dawn of a new era. I cut my hair and decided to hunger quest, starving myself until hallucination. My wife asked if I wanted eggs; I said I wanted meaning.

"I'd rather not get any on my back, if you take my meaning", he said.

The old man on the corner lit another cigarette after his fit of coughing passed. The night was cold, but he wore no coat; rather, he warmed himself with whiskey. He would soon be dead, and was glad.

corpse #2: requirements

2008-12-01T14:29:00.003-06:00

Ken was supposed to do the next one, but as he's so busy with his fancy new job, I'll take his turn, and Ike can be next. After that, Ike can choose; but I strongly urge him to pick Nathan. Ken sucks.
We'll do this one a little closer to the original - write a sentence (or sentences, even), in any form, and keep it under 200 characters (including spaces). Email it to me. Then text one of the words to the next person, who'll use it in their sentence, and text a different word to the next person.
Nathan, you go first. Then Ike, then Ken, then me. I promise not to read any of the sentences before writing mine.
Lastly, the first paragraph (through "Ken sucks.") is 200 characters, to give you some idea of what you have to work with. It can be less, just not more.

corpse #1

2008-11-19T21:16:00.003-06:00

The dense, sticky liquid languidly flowed down the uneven tabletop. The roaring car quickly revealed the supine truth; the unknowing sinner gleefully destroyed the terrified world. The cracked bottled slowly seeped red ale.

The delicate situation soon became the hairy behemoth.

corpse #1: requirements

2008-11-17T14:19:00.002-06:00

For the first corpse, construct a sentence in the form "The adjective noun adverb verb the adjective noun" and email it to me. You can leave out one of the adjectives or the adverb, if you want. Maybe I'll send you a word to use in a second sentence, just for fun.